Sex and Relationships after a TBI – “I’m too tired” – ANTHONY AQUAN-ASSEE

It is my opinion that someone who survived a TBI is definitely worth it !

A survivor has been given a “Second Life and a Second Chance.” Very few people will ever get to experience a “Second Chance” at life. This is priceless.

*** Nina turned off the lights and then climbed into bed with Jesse. She leaned in to kiss him, but he stopped her.

“What’s wrong ?” Nina questioned. Jesse sadly shook his head. “It’s the same problem,” he sighed, “I’m too tired.”

Nina grabbed her robe and quickly covered herself and tiptoed to the window. She opened the curtains and turned back to Jesse.

“This is happening all the time,” she whispered, “What are we going to do?”

Jesse shrugged his shoulders and ran his fingers through his hair. He could feel the thick scar from his brain surgery that ran down the side of his head.

It had been five years since Jesse’s accident but he still felt like it had only just happened.

Jesse had sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) in his accident and had required brain surgery to repair his injured brain. In the years that followed, he struggled to cope with the many physical, cognitive and emotional problems that are common following a TBI.

Jesse was often too tired to be physically intimate with his wife, Nina. This is a very common problem for many brain injury survivors. Fatigue wasn’t Jesse’s only problem but he was too embarrassed to talk about it with Nina. He didn’t think she would understand.

A brain injury can lead to a variety of physical, cognitive, emotional and behavioural problems. Feeling safe and accepted is very important for open and honest communication to take place.

Even without a brain injury, open and honest communication is very important for a relationship and this will foster feelings of acceptance and trust and will serve to enhance a sexual relationship.

After a brain injury, a survivor might experience changes in many areas of their life. If they don’t feel comfortable to discuss these changes with their partner, this may lead to issues with their physical intimacy.

The brain is the master controller. Many of the skills involved in sexual activity are controlled by different parts of the brain. This can lead to problems when there is an injury to these parts.

Sexuality is a complex function and it depends on cognitive skills such as problem solving abilities, maintaining attention as well as memory. If any of these skills are disturbed there may be consequences with one’s sexuality.

Some common sexual issues that many survivors have to deal with are:

Arousal problems. Many survivors experience a reduced libido and find it difficult to be physically intimate with their partner.

Reduced frequency of sex. This may occur because of relationship issues, physical problems, depression and other emotional problems.

Physical limitations. This may be due to injuries, disabilities or other physical problems.

Sexual problems can affect not only the brain injury survivor, but the sexual partner as well. The survivor’s partner may have feelings of guilt and a sense of obligation to stay with the survivor. The partner may feel that they are in a relationship with someone they no longer have the same sexual feelings for, as was the case before the injury.

This can lead to depression, anxiety and frustration and also add additional stress to the relationship. This stress may erode feelings of confidence, self-worth as well as an emotional connection to one’s partner. Ultimately, this will impact on the sexual relationship.

Intimacy is affected by issues that interfere with the emotional connection between romantic partners.

It is the emotional connection that will strengthen and support the sexual relationship.

What can be done ?

Many people frequently blame their partner for their problems. By looking outside ourselves for the problem, we lose control of the solution as well as power over our feelings and attitudes. It is possible that your actions might trigger undesirable reactions in your partner.

Life is not a fast food drive-thru. Quick and easy solutions will not last. It may help you to find ways to support your relationship so there is a win-win ending. It will support your partner when you search for ways to make changes to yourself.

Anything good and worthwhile takes a lot of effort.

This is what Nina and Jesse learned when they went to see a psychologist who had a speciality in Brain Injuries. They were able to learn problem-solving strategies that helped them improve their communication skills and their relationship.

In the words of the great St. Francis of Assisi,

“It is by giving that we receive.”